I dreamt of her, and I never have before. Jessica appeared to me and was flirtatious. She was always a little bit that way but even more so in my dream. We were laying together and at one point she sucked on my fingers. We didn’t kiss, though. Strange. It was a happy, hopeful dream in one way but wistful and filled with regret over what might have been on the other. It also reminds me not to be so repressed. One of the joys of middle age, I am finding, is that I’m letting go of that repression. The regret I feel at never having told her how I really feel has taught me that much.
That is all.
This time around I only wound up dating someone for seven weeks. BUT, as with so many things, expectations make the difference in how one sees things. I had thought we were on the “Girlfriend/Boyfriend” track. Hoo-hoo, was I wrong about that! Still, there didn’t appear to be any radical shift in this trajectory until two weeks ago.
Two Fridays ago I thought things were headed in a good direction. It all started when she agreed to come over and help me figure out how to rearrange my living room. We went out, scouted some furniture, and then came back to my house. She then proceeded to help me clean as I am rather messy and she is a neat freak. Cool, I thought, I’m a ‘project.’ I figured she was grooming me to become full-fledged boyfriend material. My sorry middle-aged ass actually dared to hope. This is difficult for me to do under the best of circumstances. She mentioned that she had made plans for the next night (Saturday). Ok, fair enough, I thought. And then…nothing. Nothing on Saturday, nothing on Sunday, and barely a response to any of the texts that I sent on Monday and Tuesday. So finally, I texted her Tuesday evening and asked her if she’d like to do something Wednesday. No thanks, she replied, she already had plans with the Harrisburg Young Professionals that night. Now I was mad. I texted her back and that was fine and to call me when she wanted to do something. And then…silence until I texted her Friday evening. And that was when she cut me loose.
tl;dr: I thought we were going to start getting serious. She tried to ghost me instead.
Ghosting, for the uninitiated, is basically blowing someone off the person you are dating completely until they get the picture. No response, no nothing. This can happen suddenly, or with a few polite but distant responses that hint that you should just fuck off. Either way, it is NOT COOL. It’s especially not cool when the person doing it is 39. You’re an adult, start acting like it. Being dumped sucks, but I can deal with that. The ghosting, though? Oh hell no! And that is what set me off so much and caused me to do all of this soul-searching.
I’m still not over this disrespectful treatment. Grrrrr…
I got dumped again, and I’m not happy about it. I hate how lonely I feel when I’m single. But to be honest, even when with I’m with someone, I often feel alone. And I have come to realize that this, and the resentment and frustration that I aways seem to feel before, during, and, after comes from a hole that I have inside of me. And that hole comes from where a satisfactory relationship with my mother should be.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved my mother; but I also resented her because I always felt that she placed the need for her father’s love and approval over my own needs. If there was any sort of trouble on that side of the family, I was the one who received the blame. I never saw my mother stand up to my grandfather on my behalf one time. I’ve carried that with me ever since. But I didn’t realize what effect it had on me until yesterday. It was always there under the surface, but now I see how it’s had an effect on my love life. I’m looking for that unconditional love but never find it. Nor will I. Adult relationships are complicated and imperfect, even under the best of circumstances. Still, it’s a great relief to see how this has affected me. Now I just have to figure out what to do with this insight.
I will add the hyperlinks later. You have WordPress.com’s Writing 201: Finding Your Story to blame for this. I ain’t even gonna edit it ’til later. I’m just a Blogger Gone Wild tonight. Woo-hoo! Just write, they say. Or rather, they write. Still, the point stands. Just get it all down onto paper, er, the screen. And so here I am, typing away hoping for something that comes to mind that will overcome this accursed, Verdammt writer’s block. SIDE NOTE: Did you see my use of German? Aren’t I clever?
Random thoughts: She was an idiot. She still is, but she was a great fuck. I mean, I don’t know exactly why, but goddamn! did we have some chemistry! I mean, yeah, it was good. And I was happy for a while. Happy, content. This never happens to me. I mistook it for love perhaps. Or, perhaps, there really was something there. It’s possible that there was. Four years on and I pine like a fool. No, not like a fool. I was happy. And that counted for something in my life, both then and now. And where else, when else, am I gonna find a hot nerd like her that I share that kind of chemistry with. It wasn’t just the sex, it may have been that primarily, but it wasn’t just that. We kind of got each other. Unfortunately that has meant that I came to understand that she is not interested in a real, long-term commitment that would involve actually working at things and just showing up every few weekends for a sexual pit stop. All of this brings me something that my sister pointed out to me a few months ago. She said that maybe it’s not a particular woman who I’m missing so much as how I felt at the time I was with that woman. This could explain a lot. Still, I’m not getting any younger. SIDE NOTE: I know that one isn’t supposed to end a sentence in a preposition, but what are you gonna do about that, huh? I got my meaning across, and that’s the point, yeah?
Israel is catching Hell over their current invasion of Gaza. And it stands to reason that the outcry will continue. Graphic pictures of the Gaza Strip come back almost instantaneously, and however vile Hamas has been and continues to be (hiding rockets in a U.N. school is not Kosher, if you’ll pardon the expression) the response is seen by those sympathetic to and supportive of Israel (myself included) as entirely disproportionate. It was also founded upon a false casus belli, we’ve come to find out. But that doesn’t matter. Israel is playing a long game here. They will continue until…, well until they have reached some goal. How firmly fixed that goal is in the Israeli government’s mind is something that will have to wait until someone’s memoirs (Netanyahu’s, most prominently) comes out. But I would hazard a guess that the goals are, broadly speaking, to weaken Hamas to the point where they aren’t able to wage any sort of sustained terror campaign for several years and to demonstrate to the Palestinians living in Gaza that the cost of supporting Hamas is too high for them to bear. These are hardly original thoughts, but I think it stands to reason. Israel’s come this far, they’re not going to quit until they have what they want. You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, after all. Besides, their government probably (correctly) figures that in about three months, if that, we’ll all be fixated on another part of the Middle East, like, say, Libya, or Syria, or Iraq, or Egypt, or, oh, Lebanon, or Iran, or so on and so forth. Plus, it’ll closer to the November, and that means election time here in the U.S. and A. And that means that Bibi’s buds in the GOP could be in strong enough shape to hamper President Obama now and possibly even impeach later (for him being, y’know, African-American), which mean s even more freedom from political pressure from the U.S. And the who the Hell else is gonna stop them? So, yeah, that’s how it is.
I guess I’ve found some sort of voice as I’ve been here hammering this out while having to pee for the past 20 minutes. So, I guess one dam has yet to break. That ends now. Excuse me for a moment. Okay, I’m back.
I’m watching Nathan For You and he’s talking about his Dumb Starbucks prank. He’s basically pulled an Andy Kaufman with that. People have tried it before. But they fail 99.9% of the time. Nathan Fielder did. Fucker. Thank you, good night for now, and, remember, profanity is awesome!
Oh, and here’s a picture of cat. The Internet loves pictures of cats.
That should do it for now.