Dec 302014
 

The year winds down and we are looking for a place to go out for New Years Eve and where to recover and watch football on New Years Day.  It’s a time to look forward, but it’s also a time to look back.  And in doing so, I see that this was indeed a vain, vain year.  And, judging from the rate and volume of the vanity plates here in south central PA, 2015 won’t be much different.

I made a pun.

Actually, this one leaves me a little flat.

 

Sled Works?  Slide Works?  Which is it?  These are very different things.  Either way, this cold, dry winter offers little opportunity for an aficionado or merchant of either.

Sled Works? Slide Works? Which is it? These are very different things. Either way, this cold, dry winter offers little opportunity for an aficionado or merchant of either.

 

Donna Karan has a strong lesbian following, is that what you're saying.  Or, is this an ad for a flood-control engineer?

Donna Karan has a strong lesbian following, is that what you’re saying? Or, is this an ad for a flood-control engineer?u 

 

And with that, I wish you a Happy New Year!  See you in 2015!

 

 

Dec 272014
 

Ho Ho Ho, Yinz!  Or however you wish to say for what holiday you may or may not be celebrating.  It..oh Hell, Happy New Years!  OK?!  That’s what yinz’re gettin’!  At any rate, even thought the year is ending, the cavalcade of vanity plates is still chugging along.  Consider this a bit of constancy in a season of change.

 

Yes, this person is a Yankees fan.

If the owner of this plate were born in the NYC metro area and/or had a close family member with whom s/he bonded over the Yankees, then yes. Otherwise, fuggedaboutit.

 

There's an X, then a not-O.

Y’know, all I can think of is a salacious parody song lampooning a sorority that I heard in a college all those years ago. I hope this is something else. I’ll start wishing in one hand.

 

3I7537

I got nothin’. Is this a ham radio handle? That’s my best guess, and admittedly not a very good one. Help?

 

 

And with that bit o’ confusion, I bid yinz adieu.  May the coming year be filled with groovy stuff and folks plenty sweet and not the slightest bit gruff!  (Trying my hand at rhyming here.  Bye for now!)

Dec 172014
 

Hey folks, how yinz doin’?  Yinz get yer Xmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa etc. shopping done yet?  Well, either way, I’m willing to bet most of you didn’t rely just on Amazon to get your shopping done.  But, at least you had company while you braved the holiday nuttiness that passes for traffic out there.  Company that rocked vanity plates like these, I bet:

 

SYZZLIN HAWT, BAY-BEE!

Oh, you’re just so HAWT, Bay-bee! I can’t see how you can even go out in public without getting mobbed. You’re very brave.

 

X-KLUSIV > HAWT

Of course, there are lots of hotties out there, but are they choosy?  Are they elite? Are they…X-KLUSIV???

 

Just.Like.Drax

Like Drax, nothing goes of this owner’s head. S/he is too quick and would catch it. So, Hawtness and being X-Klusiv are nice, but speed kills, baby!

 

And that’s all for now.  In the meantime, good luck with your shopping and be sure to be extra good.  If you are, a fat man in a red suit might leave you something extra special this year – your own vanity plate!  (By fat guy in a red suit I mean a guy a at the DMV.  And by good, I mean good with money so that you can afford to purchase your own plate.  Unless, you know, you have good taste, in which case, never mind.)

Dec 102014
 

So, I’ve been busy doing other stuff and reveling in that, but those plates are still out there in droves.  Watching, waiting, driving about.  I’m starting to wonder if this isn’t some sort of Night Vale connection.  I hope not, but if The Faceless Old Woman who secretly lives in your home shows up, I won’t be surprised.  I won’t be happy, but I won’t be surprised, either.  But enough surmise about surprise.  Let’s see what this week’s got to offer in the way of SC PA vanity!

 

It's her Benz, not yours.

I always hate it when I roll out into the parking lot and can’t tell which Mercedes is mine. This little trick solves that problem. Well done, Sandy!

 

The Rock That Rolls Over Your Head.

Paradigm 33? Is that the Rolling Rock marketing and distribution model?  If so, you might just wanna skip to Paradigm 34. Nobody drinks Rolling Rock anymore.

 

Rule, er, Pennsyltucky?

And here I thought it was the Susquehanna that ran past Harrisburg. Shows you what I know.

 

Holidays come, holidays go, but the plates will make a year-round show.  It’s a constant in these parts.  Just run with it, people.  That’s all any of us can do…for now.

 

Jul 222014
 

Howdy peeps!  I’m down the road in lovely Gaithersburg, Maryland for a work-related class for a few days and am just enjoying my time away from the office.  But don’t you worry none, I’m still on top of things!  I’m gonna take good care of you.  Just be cool my cats and kittens, kick back, and enjoy this prolonged tumble down the vanity plate rabbit hole that is south central Pennsyltucky.

Now...something...?

NOWFATH? WTF? I am nonplussed by this one, yesiree. But, what the heck, it’s these sorts of challenges that keep us going. Yeehaw!

 

Bow Wow Wow

I think this plate is not saying “do be love” bus is advertising the car owner’s “Doberman Love”, that is, his/her love for her pet dog. I think I figured one out. Yay me!

 

Yinz Luv Da Stillers!

I couldn’t mock this plate if I wanted to. This person is a fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers, the greatest sports franchise in the history of sports. Go Stillers!

 

 

Jul 152014
 
Jul 082014
 

A fearsome, blustery storm blew through South-Central of PA today, but that did not deter me from my mission.  Not that, and not the 90-something gentleman who seemed to be playing ’10 MPH Parking Lot Obstacle Course’ through the local mall’s parking lot.  No sirree, not me.  I’m on the casee.  As in, on point.  But, in the meantime, here are some of my previous finds:

Lucky you?

As in, winning it all in a 7 game series? Maybe. I’m guessing it’s a poker reference. 7-Card Stud, woo-hoo! Still, is that the best use of your cash, much less your license plate? I’ll have to ask the repo guys in a few months, I guess. 😉

You better twerk, er, I mean work!

I’m guessing this is someone’s name or nickname. I’m sure there’s a very personal and unique history behind it. Still, all I keep envisioning a gigantic African-American drag queen when I see this plate. Stupid 90s, messin’ with my brain.

Who's that tappin' on my door? It must be a quarter to fo-our.

This one’s a bit of cheat for me. This is the name of a local bar right around the block from me. I assume this is the owner’s vehicle. That, or someone is long overdue for an intervention.

 

Jun 182014
 

Seven weeks in and it’s rolling along.  I’m starting to wonder.  Maybe there’s no grand conspiracy after all.  Maybe this area just has an abnormally high and wholly unjustified high regard for itself.  That might be what leads to all of these plates surfacing around here.  Or maybe that’s what “They” want me to think.  Hmmmm…

At any rate, here’s some more automotive tributes to one’s own self.

The parodic lyrics are covered by the Fair Use Doctrine.  I think, I hope.

Jeepers!, Creepers!, where’d you get that silly plate? Oh, yeah, that’s right, you paid for it. Derp.

I got nothin'.

Short for Miss Beverly, perhaps. Srsly, some of these plates are head scratchers.

Is there a Joe Piscopo-referencing plate out there somewhere?

I’m Mumbi, damnit!  Ah, yes, there’s nothing like a 30+ year-old SNL/Eddie Murphy reference. That, or this is someone from Mumbai, perhaps.

And the band played on.

 

Jun 102014
 

It’s getting heavy.  People are on to me and my mission.  A few people look at me funny when I record this phenomenon.  One lady even asked that I delete a picture that I took.  I did.  There’s no reason to be rude.  All kidding aside, I sometimes forget that we live in troubled times.  I think I’m just having fun, but considering what’s happened since 9/11 and our turn towards pervasive surveillance and social media saturation, I can see why some people are on edge.  I must be more discreet.  I have no desire to get my lights punched out.

Still, the surfeit of vanity in this area is a reality, and I must expose it to the world.  *Hums the Battle Hymn of the Republic*

Or it could be alluding to the card game.

Is this short for Ginny? Or are you proclaiming your love for a certain type of liquor? Just don’t act surprised when cops assume the latter and look for a reason to pull you and your fancymobile over.

No, seriously, what the hell was that gum made of?

I too have enjoyed the exploits of that wacky Bazooka Joe! It was worth the risk of cracking a molar on that rock-hard gum just to get at those little comic strips. Whatever happened to that guy, BTW?

I have no idea, really.

You Marte? Me Shawn! Am pleased to meet you!

 

Jun 042014
 

I would have gone with Day 3 of Writing 101’s assignment, but this is more important, so, welcome back to what appears to be a feature with no end in sight.  I’m not even trying anymore, they just *appear*. These things seem to be cropping up like mushrooms.  Still, I do feel a responsibility to show everyone the truth about this area’s weird vanity plate fetish.  So, here we go, again:

Double Deuce O' Dumb

When I was in the Army, we had to drop and give 20 (push-ups), not 22. Or is this a reference to the novel Catch-22? Either way, I ‘ll take a pass.

You best be backin' a future Cy Young winner with a plate like that.

Ok, I’m guessing this is a plug for Harrisburg, PA’s own Senators, a minor league baseball team and subsidiary of the Washington Nationals. Still, a minor league team?  And baseball at that?  Eech.

Die Wort is "Kraft", ja?

Achtung! Well, at least you were smart enough to put a “Kaiser” vanity plate on a German auto, I’ll give you that. Still, Mercedes woulda been a better choice. But let’s not nitpick, hmm?

The reality of my situation has started to sink in and now I’m just counting the days until the Powers That Be silence my reportage .  In the meantime, I feel duty-bound to bear witness to this automotive farce.  Riis, Sinclair, Steffins, and Tarbell would have been proud.