Jan 142015
 

Ah, January.  It’s just a crap month.  The holidays are over but the weight remains.  College football ends but bloviating sportscasters still drone on.  And your annoying coworkers/family members/neighbors, don’t have the decency to just, y’know, go away.  So, it’s up to us to make our own fun and just get through this kidney stone of a month.  Let’s look at some vanity plates, shall we?

SEHNH

I thought maybe this was a surname, so I looked it up on the Google. Nothin’. Nothin’ fits this word. Therefore, it doesn’t exist. Crap, this really is January.

 

 

YOMO PA

Is this a play on #YOLO? “You only Moo once?”  That’s kinda fitting for the ag show, I guess, but beyond that, um, oh Hell, I don’t know. Stupid January.

 

 

SIAMO 3

The first Siamo was pretty good, but the sequels have complete wastes. No, wait, that was Taken. I was thinking of Taken. Crap. It’s this month man, it’s this January. It’s messin’ with me. It’s messin’ with me bad.

 

Sigh Just gotta slog through it all, I guess.  Just gotta hang on until February.  Then I can get drunk and lament the state of my love life.  So much to look forward to.  Until then there’s ennui, I guess.  😉

 

 

 

Dec 302014
 

The year winds down and we are looking for a place to go out for New Years Eve and where to recover and watch football on New Years Day.  It’s a time to look forward, but it’s also a time to look back.  And in doing so, I see that this was indeed a vain, vain year.  And, judging from the rate and volume of the vanity plates here in south central PA, 2015 won’t be much different.

I made a pun.

Actually, this one leaves me a little flat.

 

Sled Works?  Slide Works?  Which is it?  These are very different things.  Either way, this cold, dry winter offers little opportunity for an aficionado or merchant of either.

Sled Works? Slide Works? Which is it? These are very different things. Either way, this cold, dry winter offers little opportunity for an aficionado or merchant of either.

 

Donna Karan has a strong lesbian following, is that what you're saying.  Or, is this an ad for a flood-control engineer?

Donna Karan has a strong lesbian following, is that what you’re saying? Or, is this an ad for a flood-control engineer?u 

 

And with that, I wish you a Happy New Year!  See you in 2015!

 

 

Dec 272014
 

Ho Ho Ho, Yinz!  Or however you wish to say for what holiday you may or may not be celebrating.  It..oh Hell, Happy New Years!  OK?!  That’s what yinz’re gettin’!  At any rate, even thought the year is ending, the cavalcade of vanity plates is still chugging along.  Consider this a bit of constancy in a season of change.

 

Yes, this person is a Yankees fan.

If the owner of this plate were born in the NYC metro area and/or had a close family member with whom s/he bonded over the Yankees, then yes. Otherwise, fuggedaboutit.

 

There's an X, then a not-O.

Y’know, all I can think of is a salacious parody song lampooning a sorority that I heard in a college all those years ago. I hope this is something else. I’ll start wishing in one hand.

 

3I7537

I got nothin’. Is this a ham radio handle? That’s my best guess, and admittedly not a very good one. Help?

 

 

And with that bit o’ confusion, I bid yinz adieu.  May the coming year be filled with groovy stuff and folks plenty sweet and not the slightest bit gruff!  (Trying my hand at rhyming here.  Bye for now!)

Dec 172014
 

Hey folks, how yinz doin’?  Yinz get yer Xmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa etc. shopping done yet?  Well, either way, I’m willing to bet most of you didn’t rely just on Amazon to get your shopping done.  But, at least you had company while you braved the holiday nuttiness that passes for traffic out there.  Company that rocked vanity plates like these, I bet:

 

SYZZLIN HAWT, BAY-BEE!

Oh, you’re just so HAWT, Bay-bee! I can’t see how you can even go out in public without getting mobbed. You’re very brave.

 

X-KLUSIV > HAWT

Of course, there are lots of hotties out there, but are they choosy?  Are they elite? Are they…X-KLUSIV???

 

Just.Like.Drax

Like Drax, nothing goes of this owner’s head. S/he is too quick and would catch it. So, Hawtness and being X-Klusiv are nice, but speed kills, baby!

 

And that’s all for now.  In the meantime, good luck with your shopping and be sure to be extra good.  If you are, a fat man in a red suit might leave you something extra special this year – your own vanity plate!  (By fat guy in a red suit I mean a guy a at the DMV.  And by good, I mean good with money so that you can afford to purchase your own plate.  Unless, you know, you have good taste, in which case, never mind.)

Dec 102014
 

So, I’ve been busy doing other stuff and reveling in that, but those plates are still out there in droves.  Watching, waiting, driving about.  I’m starting to wonder if this isn’t some sort of Night Vale connection.  I hope not, but if The Faceless Old Woman who secretly lives in your home shows up, I won’t be surprised.  I won’t be happy, but I won’t be surprised, either.  But enough surmise about surprise.  Let’s see what this week’s got to offer in the way of SC PA vanity!

 

It's her Benz, not yours.

I always hate it when I roll out into the parking lot and can’t tell which Mercedes is mine. This little trick solves that problem. Well done, Sandy!

 

The Rock That Rolls Over Your Head.

Paradigm 33? Is that the Rolling Rock marketing and distribution model?  If so, you might just wanna skip to Paradigm 34. Nobody drinks Rolling Rock anymore.

 

Rule, er, Pennsyltucky?

And here I thought it was the Susquehanna that ran past Harrisburg. Shows you what I know.

 

Holidays come, holidays go, but the plates will make a year-round show.  It’s a constant in these parts.  Just run with it, people.  That’s all any of us can do…for now.

 

Nov 132014
 

Sometimes, there’s a pattern to these here vanity plates.  This week, we see a melodic theme emerge.  Check it out.

BST-GAGA

Best GaGa? I’d have to say Poker Face, but Edge of Glory isn’t too bad, either.

MR DAZZZ

That’s MISTER Dazz to you! Let it Whip, baby!

ZIZI-T

Billy, Dusty, and Frank want you to give them all your lovin’ ladies.

See yinz later!

Nov 062014
 

Ah fall, how I love you! There’s a crispness in the air, football season is in full flight, and the leaves turn vibrant colors. It’s a beautiful time of year in Pennsylvania. Sadly, it fades, though, and winter casts its long shadow over the land for several month. Decay is inevitable. It’s part of life. Things fall apart. But vanity plates still abound.

1 KPRICE

1 K = 1000. Ok. 1000 Price. 1000 Price of what? What’s the unit of currency we’re talking about here? Gold ingots? The Euro? The Loonie?

E-SAL

So, IS E-SAL condemned to live in Harrisburg for plotting to harm J-COB? Does that mean…, OMG, IS HARRISBURG THE ISLAND?

GO DUKES

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Duquesne University vanity plate before.  Pretty cool.

Will the center hold?  Only time will tell.

Oct 152014
 

The baseball playoffs are here, wrapping up that season, and the NFL and college football are in full swing.  But that will come end soon, too.  But do you know what never goes out of season?  Vanity plates.  But you knew this.  Let’s see what’s shakin’.

3UP 3DN

Three up, three down, Oriels fan? Not this year. Not with the way Mike Moustakas is playing.

KITTI

Meets great guy. He’s allergic.

TUPAC

Apparently Mr. Shakur really is alive. And now he’s hiding in plain sight by living here in SC PA. Well played, sir.

Oct 082014
 

Oh yeah, legally able to imbibe at last!  Well, metaphorically speaking anyway.  Still, it sounds like as good a reason as any to pop out at some point in the near future and grab a beer (or two).  Of course, I won’t be driving if I do, but I don’t think that’ll be a problem.  Vanity goes where it will, and all I have to do is rely on the law of averages to help me out.  I don’t anticipate any problem on that end, which is good.  I got enough hassles as it is.  But I digress; let’s examine this week’s entrants!

Vanity Plates

Constance, as in steadfast and not constipated, as in, stuck. This is a very subtle, but important distinction.

Vanity Plates

I just imagine this person claps and utters high-pitched cheers of support a lot. I also imagine this not a car you wanna jack as there are likely plenty o’ metal bats with arms reach of its driver. Call it a hunch.

Vanity Plates

Oh my God, I loved those guys back in the 80s! They were so epically metal! They just got after it and…oh, wait, that was Queensrÿche. Never mind.

Oh yeah, vanity plates are out there in droves.  Droves, I say!  I’d tell Yinz that I’m enjoying the fat times before the great famine comes, but I don’t think that’s gonna be the case.

Sep 292014
 

I was busy, but now I’m not.  And I won’t lie, the time away from the office did me good.  But vanity never rests, and it falls to me to take up the struggle once again.  But fear not!  I am a happy warrior, fighting the good fight against silliness with…more silliness.  Okay, maybe I shoulda thought this through a bit more than I did.  Oh well, too late now.  Here we go!

 

Your guess is as good as min.

South Dakota time four? 4 Scary Ducks? Suspended Driver for the fourth time? This one’s another puzzler.

 

LUV-EORE

It’s not much of a vanity plate, but I’m sort of attached to it.

 

So, you're saying you're the love child of the old Zayre's department stores and T.J. Maxx?  You get to be the bastard child of low-end retail.   Um, wow, lucky you.

So, you’re saying you’re the love child of the old Zayre department stores and T.J. Maxx? You get to be the bastard child of low-end retail. Um, wow, lucky you.

 

Fall is here, but in terms of vanity, nothing has changed.  It’s a constant of a sort, I suppose.

Sep 182014
 

Yup, another birthday, another year, and another week of South Central Pennsylvania indulging in its vanity plate habit.  It just never ends.

Oh hey, I love the Dungeons & the Dragons too!  And with 5th edition just released, it's a swell time to let your nerd flag fly.  Or not, if this wasn't your intention.  But I choose to believe it is.

Oh hey, I love the Dungeons & the Dragons too! And with 5th edition just released, it’s a swell time to let your nerd flag fly. Or not, if this wasn’t your intention.  But I choose to believe that it is.

Electronic Ink? Or is “E” your first initial? And is “77” the year you were born or just a number? Your IQ? Do you even know?

Initially I was gonna mock this person's grasp of the obvious.  Then on second thought I realized this isn't a bad way to pick out your truck in a crowded parking lot.  How deceptively clever of you sir/madame!

Initially I was gonna mock this person’s grasp of the obvious. Then on second thought I realized this isn’t a bad way to pick out your truck in a crowded parking lot. How deceptively clever of you sir/madame!

 

Yup, it’s a quirk that’s showing itself everywhere these days in South Central PA.  Maybe they’re all part of some ka-tet that only a few, including the plate’s owners themselves, recognize?  Maybe this means I’m in on it, too?  Probably not, but a fellah can dream!

Aug 272014
 

As we approach this grand farewell to summer, this celebration of all thing proletarian, AND THE START OF FOOTBALL SEASON, there will be a lot of people travelling across this fair, God-kissed (but not French-style, you pervs!) land of ours.*  Pennsylvania will be no exception, of course, so keep your peepers peeled for vanity’s that’s four-wheeled!  (Not bad for on the spot, huh?)  Here’s a little warmup for yinz to get your brain juices flowing as get ready to be on the lookout for automotive wackiness:

 

GQ2AT

GQ Smooth To A “T”, eh? I took me a little while to get this one ’til I sounded it out. And you know what that means: I’m learning to read!

 

IMA_DOER

My hope is that you mean this in the “I’m a go-getter” sense and not the “I’m getting ready for the nastiness” sense. There’s something to be said for subtlety. That’s why they call it innuendo, yeah?

 

BEACH_K9

I like the beach. I like dogs. And I’m sure both go together just fine. I just don’t see the need to advertise it. Still, this plate’s a nice e way to say farewell to the summer, so I’ll give it that.

 

Drive safe, peoples!

*”G0d-kissed land” and all inherent benefits reserved for the sole use of white people.  Everyone else is on their own.

Aug 212014
 

Today’s Daily Post asks “But what is it about a scene, a place, or a moment that makes us reach for our cameras and snap an image?” It wants to know “…what is it about a scene, a place, or a moment that makes us reach for our cameras and snap an image?”

For some, I’m sure it’s the beauty and wonder of nature. For others, an attempt to catch a moment of affection or quiet dignity is what drives them to snap way. Others still look to moments of high energy (e.g. runners in a 100 meter dash) or drama (e.g. anything that made the news in this God-awful month). Me, I look for vanity plates. I guess I’m kinda shallow that way.

 

In my defense, I have a few good reasons for doing this:

  1. It’s free.
  2. It’s a pretty benign hobby that keeps my brain occupied.
  3. They’re funny.  Well, they’re funny to me at least.
  4. It gives me a recurring feature for my blog.

 

Here’s my all-time favorite example.  This is the one that started it all:

SXL CHOCOLATE VANITY PLATE

Ansel Adams I ain’t, but come on!  Who wouldn’t want a memento of something like that?

If you’re curious, check out some of my other vanity plate pictures, starting here.

 

Aug 202014
 

Howdy-doody people!  I took last week off because I wasn’t feelin’ it.  And I honestly thought that things would get better out in the ol’ psychosphere and in the real world as well.  Boy, was I wrong about that.  In light of the world’s ongoing troubles, I’ve come to the conclusion that soldiering on and taking one’s fun where one can is about the best it’ll ever get.  Be it in war or peace, vanity will march on as long as humanity exists.  So, let’s point and laugh.  Snicker, at least.

 

So, let's see, basketball has five guys, so that would imply a 6th man, and football has 11 guys, so that would imply a 12th man.  That leaves baseball with 9 guys.  So, 10th MAN means you're ra-ra baseball.  Great, I guess.  (Yuck)

So, let’s see, basketball has five guys, so that would imply a 6th man, and football has 11 guys, so that would imply a 12th man. That leaves baseball with 9 guys. So, 10th MAN means you’re ra-ra baseball. Great, I guess. (Yuck)

 

TH DUCHY

I love the music of the 80s, too. But somehow I don’t think most cops are even hip to a one-hit wonder like Musical Youth these days. Even if they do know who it is you’re talking about, I don’t think that group’s the first thing that comes to mind when they see your plate. I hope you like getting pulled over a lot, Young Marley.

 

SPECIAL NEW JERSEY GUEST PLATE:  Please don't let this be you bragging about what I think you're bragging about.  Oh, God, no.  Not that, please don't let it be that.

SPECIAL NEW JERSEY GUEST PLATE: Please don’t let this be you bragging about what I think you’re bragging about. Oh, God, no. Not that, please don’t let it be that.

 

Jul 222014
 

Howdy peeps!  I’m down the road in lovely Gaithersburg, Maryland for a work-related class for a few days and am just enjoying my time away from the office.  But don’t you worry none, I’m still on top of things!  I’m gonna take good care of you.  Just be cool my cats and kittens, kick back, and enjoy this prolonged tumble down the vanity plate rabbit hole that is south central Pennsyltucky.

Now...something...?

NOWFATH? WTF? I am nonplussed by this one, yesiree. But, what the heck, it’s these sorts of challenges that keep us going. Yeehaw!

 

Bow Wow Wow

I think this plate is not saying “do be love” bus is advertising the car owner’s “Doberman Love”, that is, his/her love for her pet dog. I think I figured one out. Yay me!

 

Yinz Luv Da Stillers!

I couldn’t mock this plate if I wanted to. This person is a fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers, the greatest sports franchise in the history of sports. Go Stillers!

 

 

Jul 152014
 
Jul 082014
 

A fearsome, blustery storm blew through South-Central of PA today, but that did not deter me from my mission.  Not that, and not the 90-something gentleman who seemed to be playing ’10 MPH Parking Lot Obstacle Course’ through the local mall’s parking lot.  No sirree, not me.  I’m on the casee.  As in, on point.  But, in the meantime, here are some of my previous finds:

Lucky you?

As in, winning it all in a 7 game series? Maybe. I’m guessing it’s a poker reference. 7-Card Stud, woo-hoo! Still, is that the best use of your cash, much less your license plate? I’ll have to ask the repo guys in a few months, I guess. 😉

You better twerk, er, I mean work!

I’m guessing this is someone’s name or nickname. I’m sure there’s a very personal and unique history behind it. Still, all I keep envisioning a gigantic African-American drag queen when I see this plate. Stupid 90s, messin’ with my brain.

Who's that tappin' on my door? It must be a quarter to fo-our.

This one’s a bit of cheat for me. This is the name of a local bar right around the block from me. I assume this is the owner’s vehicle. That, or someone is long overdue for an intervention.

 

Jul 082014
 

Gee whiz but it’s hot in South Central Pennsylvania these days.  Summer is here and the time is right, for vanity plates in the street!

I'm Isaz?  Imi Saz?  I could pretend this sort of plate frustrates me, but the truth I enjoy these puzzlers.  They keep the ol' brain from getting rusty.  I think.

I’m Isaz? Imi Saz? I could pretend this sort of plate frustrates me, but the truth I enjoy these puzzlers. They keep the ol’ brain from getting rusty. I think.

Is this one a play one "Somaili" maybe?  Or is it using the Dark Tower's formal address of "Sai" as in "Sai Mali?"  Again with a puzzler.

Is this one a play one “Somali” maybe? Or is it using the Dark Tower’s formal address of “Sai” as in “Sai Mali?” Again with a puzzler.

It's  a cool name, "Shadow Mover", but if you were so darned stealthy, you'd wouldn't have been caught on camera, eh?  Who's the clever one now, hahahaha?!

It’s a cool name, “Shadow Mover”, but if you were so darned stealthy, you’d wouldn’t have been caught on camera, eh? Who’s the clever one now, hahahaha?!

Jun 242014
 

I’m torn.  I’m either getting more timid or more judicious as I set out to recorded the automotive naming gaffes of South Central PA’s motorists.  I lean towards the latter, but I can’t help but feel as if I’m holding back.  Luckily, there still seem to be enough vanity plates out there to give me plenty of time and opportunities to make up my mind.  But, enough woolgathering!  Here’s this week’s selection:

It took me a little while to figure this one out until a chance conversation made me realize that the owner of this vehicle is likely a member of the 5 Percent Nation.  In my defense, I'm a crackery pale youth from rural Western Pennsylvania.  I didn't even hear of this group until I was in my late twenties or early thirties.

It took me a little while to figure this one out until a chance conversation made me realize that the owner of this vehicle is likely a member of the 5 Percent Nation. In my defense, I’m a crackery pale youth from rural Western Pennsylvania. I didn’t even hear of this group until I was in my late twenties or early thirties.

Ugh!

Yes, I’m sure it is. You must be great fun at parties. Or anywhere else you go, for that matter.

You're, um, missing a few steps there.

Ooohhh, lookee! You can count just like a big kid! Sorta…

Jun 182014
 

Seven weeks in and it’s rolling along.  I’m starting to wonder.  Maybe there’s no grand conspiracy after all.  Maybe this area just has an abnormally high and wholly unjustified high regard for itself.  That might be what leads to all of these plates surfacing around here.  Or maybe that’s what “They” want me to think.  Hmmmm…

At any rate, here’s some more automotive tributes to one’s own self.

The parodic lyrics are covered by the Fair Use Doctrine.  I think, I hope.

Jeepers!, Creepers!, where’d you get that silly plate? Oh, yeah, that’s right, you paid for it. Derp.

I got nothin'.

Short for Miss Beverly, perhaps. Srsly, some of these plates are head scratchers.

Is there a Joe Piscopo-referencing plate out there somewhere?

I’m Mumbi, damnit!  Ah, yes, there’s nothing like a 30+ year-old SNL/Eddie Murphy reference. That, or this is someone from Mumbai, perhaps.

And the band played on.

 

Jun 102014
 

It’s getting heavy.  People are on to me and my mission.  A few people look at me funny when I record this phenomenon.  One lady even asked that I delete a picture that I took.  I did.  There’s no reason to be rude.  All kidding aside, I sometimes forget that we live in troubled times.  I think I’m just having fun, but considering what’s happened since 9/11 and our turn towards pervasive surveillance and social media saturation, I can see why some people are on edge.  I must be more discreet.  I have no desire to get my lights punched out.

Still, the surfeit of vanity in this area is a reality, and I must expose it to the world.  *Hums the Battle Hymn of the Republic*

Or it could be alluding to the card game.

Is this short for Ginny? Or are you proclaiming your love for a certain type of liquor? Just don’t act surprised when cops assume the latter and look for a reason to pull you and your fancymobile over.

No, seriously, what the hell was that gum made of?

I too have enjoyed the exploits of that wacky Bazooka Joe! It was worth the risk of cracking a molar on that rock-hard gum just to get at those little comic strips. Whatever happened to that guy, BTW?

I have no idea, really.

You Marte? Me Shawn! Am pleased to meet you!

 

Jun 042014
 

I would have gone with Day 3 of Writing 101’s assignment, but this is more important, so, welcome back to what appears to be a feature with no end in sight.  I’m not even trying anymore, they just *appear*. These things seem to be cropping up like mushrooms.  Still, I do feel a responsibility to show everyone the truth about this area’s weird vanity plate fetish.  So, here we go, again:

Double Deuce O' Dumb

When I was in the Army, we had to drop and give 20 (push-ups), not 22. Or is this a reference to the novel Catch-22? Either way, I ‘ll take a pass.

You best be backin' a future Cy Young winner with a plate like that.

Ok, I’m guessing this is a plug for Harrisburg, PA’s own Senators, a minor league baseball team and subsidiary of the Washington Nationals. Still, a minor league team?  And baseball at that?  Eech.

Die Wort is "Kraft", ja?

Achtung! Well, at least you were smart enough to put a “Kaiser” vanity plate on a German auto, I’ll give you that. Still, Mercedes woulda been a better choice. But let’s not nitpick, hmm?

The reality of my situation has started to sink in and now I’m just counting the days until the Powers That Be silence my reportage .  In the meantime, I feel duty-bound to bear witness to this automotive farce.  Riis, Sinclair, Steffins, and Tarbell would have been proud.

May 282014
 

I see them everywhere now.  This isn’t just a coincidence.  I’ve tapped into the hidden, parallel world that we so often miss.  This is no coincidence.  I’m in Carcosa now.

Alright, Alright, Alright!

Welcome to my world, man.

Seriously, they’re everywhere around here.

 

Diabeetus

That’s swell, but who wants Diabeetus?

I got nothin'.

The ice cream bar? The soap? The Holy Spirit? You’re guess is as good as mine on this one.

How very original.

Oh, how the youth soccer league must feel when they see you coming. Poor kids, poor parents, you have my sympathies.

It’s too late.  I can’t turn back.  Pray for me, people.  Pray for me.

May 212014
 

Every time I turn around, it seems like I see another one.  Maybe it’s “Blue Car” syndrome, but I doubt it.  No, I think there’s something going on here.  Once I saw the truth, there was no going back.  Now, I see what’s going on all around me.  Now, I must bear witness.  Take a look:

Where's Friday, then?

Ah, I get it. It’s a play on Robinson Crusoe – and the fact that it’s a PT Cruiser. Very clever. But, it’s still a PT Cruiser, though. FAIL.

Ho Ho Blech

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, This Vanity Plate Laid an Egg! …That, or some people are punning on their names, which is even worse.

Cribbage is a game I do not understand.

I can live in my car, but I can’t drive my house. Or, I’m just a big baby.

And South Central Pennsylvania keeps rollin’ along.

May 172014
 
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