Jan 222016
 

Great Aunt Ida did as she pleased.

Great Aunt Ida was a founding member of the local Polar Bear Club.  She swore by those brisk swims, and they may have been something to it as she was 192 when this picture was taken.  She died 6 years later not from old age but from an errant current that swept or downstream to her end.

Great Aunt Ida was a founding member of the local Polar Bear Club. She swore by those brisk swims, and they may have been something to it as she was 122 when this picture was taken. She died 6 years later not from old age but from an errant current that swept or downstream to her end.

There’s something to be said for going out on your own terms.

Jan 092016
 

Jebediah and Ulysses Hardmeat, the explorers who couldn’t steer straight:

Jebediah and Ulysses Hardmeat

Jebediah and Ulysses Hardmeat fancied themselves the explorers of the family. They were heartbroken when they found out everyone already knew about Bora Bora.

I guess a good atlas would’ve done these fellas wonders.

Dec 312015
 

When the Feldspars said they came from an old family, they weren’t kidding:

Old School Feldspar

This is a Feldspar family portrait from circa 117 AD (CE). Getting in good with Hadrian was the smartest thing they ever did.

Just don’t ever bring up the Visigoths in front of them, they’re still a little sore about those guys.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!!!

Dec 292015
 

William “Brute” Brody was the town bully.  But one glorious day, he got his:

William 'Brute' Brody

William “Brute” Brody was the town bully. He especially enjoyed picking fights with the local Amish boys since he knew they wouldn’t fight back. Then one day, he mistakenly picked a fight with a young Hasid passing through. As chance would have it, this young Hasid had been the wrestling champion of his shtetl back in the Ukraine. The look on Brody’s face as he went flying through the air was priceless.

Good manners aren’t just ethical, they’re very healthy too.

Dec 262015
 

The holidays are a time for family, even the ones that are a bit off.  Gwendolyn Durchfallen is one such example:

Gwendolyn Durchfallen

Gwendolyn was, to put it gently, as mad as a hatter. At first glance, many passersby would comment on her pensive stare. What they didn’t know is that she was trying to set their hair on fire with her mind. Candlelight dinners with her around were always…entertaining.

Dec 152015
 

 

Second Cousin Once Removed (and Twice Disowned) Philbert “Smilin’ Phil” Hardmeat wasn’t the most fun relative to be around, but he’s worth mentioning all the same.

Philbert 'Smiling Phil' Hardmeat

Second Cousin, Once Removed Philbert “Smilin’ Phil” Hardmeat wasn’t the jolliest guy. This had to do with his unfortunate constipation issues. Even worse, we discovered these issues (and his shrieking night terrors, we believe) were caused by a parasitic twin who parked himself just behind Philbert’s duodenum.

So, what I’m trying to say is don’t forget to get a colonoscopy as you get older.  Don’t be a “Smilin’ Phil”, ok?

 

Dec 072015
 

As we close in on the end of the year, it’s natural to think of those who have passed.  It with that in mind that I present to you Great Uncle Milton’s children, the unfortunate Herman and Imogene Feldspar:

Herman Feldspar

Herman Feldspar

 

Imogene Feldspar

Imogene Feldspar

 

 

In hindsight, buying a house next to a bog wasn’t the best idea considering how curious Herman and Imogene were.  One April morning, they quietly slipped out the backdoor and that was the last anyone ever saw of them.

Nov 282015
 

Happy post-Thanksgiving.  In the spirit of all things filial, let’s take a look at dear old Auntie Lucretia:

Auntie Lucretia

We all thought Auntie Lucretia would live out her days as a spinster until she met and rapidly married a smooth-talking Hungarian noble named Laszlo. We found out he was actually a Savoyard grifter named Giuseppe a year later when he was arrested for trying to barter her for two donkeys and a wooden cart.

Nov 212015
 

Hello everyone!  Welcome again to my look back at some of my family (and the occasional peer).  This time ’round, it’s a neighbor from down the street, Dorian Borz:

Dorian Bors

Dorian Borz lived down the street from us and was as normal a fellah as you could ever meet except for his obsessive hoarding of black construction paper. He had reams of that stuff.

Nov 092015
 

Yesiree, folks, when I look back upon my forbearers and their contemporaries, I am duly impressed.  These were hardy sorts, and they deserve to be remembered.  Come, let us look back fondly and give them their due:

That 'stache, tho.

Great grand-uncle Milton Feldspar’s favorite hobby was competing in mustache-growing contests. He kept winning, and before he knew it, he made it all the to the World Mustache Championship in London, England. He won. Being a deeply religious man, he publicly thanked the Good Lord Jesus for his victory. Two weeks later, the runner-up began writing Thus Spoke Zarathustra.