Jan 212016
 

This time around I only wound up dating someone for seven weeks.  BUT, as with so many things, expectations make the difference in how one sees things.  I had thought we were on the “Girlfriend/Boyfriend” track.  Hoo-hoo, was I wrong about that!  Still, there didn’t appear to be any radical shift in this trajectory until two weeks ago.

Two Fridays ago I thought things were headed in a good direction.  It all started when she agreed to come over and help me figure out how to rearrange my living room.  We went out, scouted some furniture, and then came back to my house.  She then proceeded to help me clean as I am rather messy and she is a neat freak.  Cool, I thought, I’m a ‘project.’  I figured she was grooming me to become full-fledged boyfriend material.  My sorry middle-aged ass actually dared to hope.  This is difficult for me to do under the best of circumstances.  She mentioned that she had made plans for the next night (Saturday).  Ok, fair enough, I thought.  And then…nothing.  Nothing on Saturday, nothing on Sunday, and barely a response to any of the texts that I sent on Monday and Tuesday.  So finally, I texted her Tuesday evening and asked her if she’d like to do something Wednesday.  No thanks, she replied, she already had plans with the Harrisburg Young Professionals that night.  Now I was mad.  I texted her back and that was fine and to call me when she wanted to do something.  And then…silence until I texted her Friday evening.  And that was when she cut me loose.

tl;dr: I thought we were going to start getting serious.  She tried to ghost me instead.

Ghosting, for the uninitiated, is basically blowing someone off the person you are dating completely until they get the picture.  No response, no nothing.  This can happen suddenly, or with a few polite but distant responses that hint that you should just fuck off.  Either way, it is NOT COOL.  It’s especially not cool when the person doing it is 39.  You’re an adult, start acting like it.  Being dumped sucks, but I can deal with that.  The ghosting, though?  Oh hell no!  And that is what set me off so much and caused me to do all of this soul-searching.

I’m still not over this disrespectful treatment.  Grrrrr…

Yup

Yup, pretty much.

Jan 152016
 

I got dumped again, and I’m not happy about it. I hate how lonely I feel when I’m single. But to be honest, even when with I’m with someone, I often feel alone.  And I have come to realize that this, and the resentment and frustration that I aways seem to feel before, during, and, after comes from a hole that I have inside of me.  And that hole comes from where a satisfactory relationship with my mother should be.
Don’t get me wrong,  I loved my mother; but I also resented her because I always felt that she placed the need for her father’s love and approval over my own needs.  If there was any sort of trouble on that side of the family, I was the one who received the blame.  I never saw my mother stand up to my grandfather on my behalf one time.  I’ve carried that with me ever since.  But I didn’t realize what effect it had on me until yesterday.  It was always there under the surface, but now I see how it’s had an effect on my love life.  I’m looking for that unconditional love but never find it.  Nor will I. Adult relationships are complicated and imperfect, even under the best of circumstances.  Still, it’s a great relief to see how this has affected me.  Now I just have to figure out what to do with this insight.

Feb 032015
 

20 years. It’s been 20 years since my father passed. And the most important lesson that I’ve taken from his passing is this: people die.

No matter how much you wish, beg, pray, hope, bargain, rage, etc., it doesn’t matter. They will die.

A loved one might get a reprieve, or they might not, but they will still eventually die. Whether you accept it or don’t accept it they will die. Whether you are relieved or bereaved, they will die. Whether it was expected or unexpected, they will die. Whether you said everything you wanted to say to them or remained silent, they will die. Whether you are old or you are young, they will die.

This may look like I’m overstating the obvious, but we’ve forgotten this here in the First World. We’ve grown to expect that those whom we care about will live well into their eighties. This is NOT always the case, and it happens more often than we care to admit.

People die, remember that. What you do with that information is up to you.

My Father

My Father