During corpse pose at yoga this past Friday, I had a vision of having to finish something work-related because I violated the rules. It snapped me out of what was a lovely and relaxing end to a lovely and relaxing yoga session. I just wish I knew what it meant exactly. I’m still trying to suss that out.
Every Monday night I go to a meditation group. We meditate for twenty minutes, read passages from the book on spirituality that we are reading at the time, discuss what we read, and then meditate for another twenty minutes. I’ve been going to this groups since its inception at the beginning of 2013. It’s been helpful in some ways, but it has its ups and downs. Some days, I sit and am able to just glide along, my thoughts still there but in the background. Other days, I struggle mightily. Today was the latter. Rather than focusing on my breath and just letting my thoughts flow without getting caught up in them, this is what I had running through my mind:
- God my one coworker is annoying. I know I should be more tolerant but that voice just booms and carries and she doesn’t stop talking. Just…chill. Please.
- I’m not a very generous person today.
- Wow, Guardians of the Galaxy was a great movie! I wonder if Bautista will be on Raw tonight to promote the film? Not that it needs any help!
- I wonder what the new Great Old One Pact Warlock will play like in D&D Next? I think it’d be pretty interesting if a character with that pact couldn’t use his or her powers against certain Aberrant creatures. After all, why would an entity granting you a measure of its power let it use that power against it? Huh, that’d be an interesting way to house-rule things.
- I can’t quite get comfortable tonight. How do people sit in the Lotus position so perfectly? It looks so simple but I’ve nary a clue. Jeez my ankle gets sore.
- Maybe I shouldn’t have run before I came here tonight. But, when else was I going to get the chance? I need to keep up with it. I’ve already paid for a marathon in the fall. Gotta stick with it.
- I can’t get a read on the woman who helps to run the group. I know we only went out for about six weeks back in 2012, and it ended because I was going through a pretty dark time. But does she still think about me? I wouldn’t care, but, oh yeah, I’m Co-Dependent Guy. Plus, she is very cute and generally got it together. And the dating scene in Harrisburg is barren. And, I’ve got some good qualities myself. It’s just a little strange sometimes, by which I mean most of the time. We’re cordial, but in an arms-length kind of way. I still wonder, though.
- Maybe I should find another group because of this.
- But I like it here, complication and all.
- When I get home, I still have some work to do. By work, I mean take out the garbage, do some exercising, and some writing. None of that is really ‘work’ mind you, but I know how I get.
- Plus, I’m really tired.
- That reminds me, I gotta work on my sleep hygeine some more. Why do I, as a middle-aged man, have to remind myself of things like this? Why did I still get mad at myself?
- Huh, this would make for a good blog post. I hope I remember enough of it.
- Plus a few other things that were running through my head, no doubt.
- And through it all, a few random notes of Lana del Rey’s “West Coast” keep playing in the back of my mind almost constantly. I don’t even know if I like that song, yet there it is.
And that’s what was rushing and pinging through my little ADHD brain. I’m a long way from Nirvana.
So, yeah, some days are better than others. So much for And, there’s the fact that making this a daily practice is something that hasn’t taken hold yet. It’s been challenging. But, I keep going on Monday nights. Part of it has to do with need, I’ll grant that. But, I go mainly (oh, say 95% mainly) for the benefits I get from it – stress reduction, focus, and interacting with an eclectic group of people I don’t normally see in my day-to-day life. I still try to sit down and meditate on my own from time-to-time. I’ve made this a part of my routine, so something’s taken hold. I just have to stick with it and then keep hoping I know where and how to take the next step. I think, I hope.
I have to remember that when somebody’s being petulant and territorial over something petty that there is a reason for that. I am angry but must be mindful of another’s suffering and must strive to focus on compassion and not anger. This is easier said than done, of course. But that’s why I’m writing this post, so that I can remind myself to practice, practice, practice.