How do I love thee,
When love is a random, chemical induced illusion
And you’re an unloveable dildo
And there’s no god?
It’s VD. Eat arbys
— Nihilist Arby’s (@nihilist_arbys) February 14, 2018
Today’s Zero to Hero assignment is to publish a post for our ‘dream’ reader. Preferably, this will include the use of a ‘new-to-you’ type of post. So, with that in mind, let me just say that my dream reader would appreciate, enjoy, and stand in awe of the sublime snark of P.J. O’Rourke’s classic “How To Drive Fast While On Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed And Not Spill Your Drink.”
He/She would marvel at a piece of prose like this:
When it comes to taking chances, some people like to play poker or shoot dice; other people prefer to parachute-jump, go rhino hunting, or climb ice floes, while still others engage in crime or marriage. But I like to get drunk and drive like a fool. Name me, if you can, a better feeling than the one you get when you’re half a bottle of Chivas in the bag with a gram of coke up your nose and a teenage lovely pulling off her tube top in the next seat over while you’re going a hundred miles an hour down a suburban side street. You’d have to watch the entire Mexican air force crash-land in a liquid petroleum gas storage facility to match this kind of thrill. If you ever have much more fun than that, you’ll die of pure sensory overload, I’m here to tell you.
Go read the rest of it for yourself, and see what makes it so special. I just pray that I’ll write something half as witty and entertaining some day. And I pray that others will appreciate it if and when I do.